Facebook Talk

The video below is a teaser trailer for an upcoming Facebook Documentary centering on what happens when crazy people get on Facebook and start issuing fatwa’s against their sister’s boyfriends. Or something like that.

I like this guy already. This is somebody I could hang out with. What? There’s a bounty on my head? People are trying to kill me? Sweet, this is gonna make a bitchin’ story. Let’s make a movie out of it!

It does seem to center on a pretty big issue, which is the majority of people not thinking about the photos they place on Facebook. I’ve written about this ad nauseum though and there’s not much more I can say. It’s gotten to the point now where I hear about somebody who had their lives disrupted due to something they did on Facebook and all I think is really? This is news to people still? It’d be like people getting shocked and amazed if they heard that somebody had their arm chewed off after sticking it into a shark’s mouth.

The only thing I worry about this movie is that we’ll probably never see a picture of the chick that started this whole thing, which is a downright sad. How are we, as the viewing audience, supposed to pick a side if we don’t know how hot the chick was in the first place? Oh crap, I better shut up, I don’t need to add to my own collection of people out to kill me.

I’m posting this for three reasons: Greg was a good sport, he padded my ego, and I worked in a joke about punching somebody in the crotch. That’s what I call a Trifecta.

Name: Greg [edit]
Email: [edit]@coastal.edu
Message: My roommate sayd he put me down as head of a network and now when I sign on under my name and password a totally different account comes up. The thing is I’m still getting emails about friend requests and messages. I was hoping I could speak with someone that could straighten everything out so my account is back to normal. Thanks!

Goob: Greg, I’ve got just the solution for you. Grab a baseball bat, introduce it to your roommates crotch, and demand he fix whatever he screwed up in the first place.

This solution also works for finding out who drank the last of your milk, convincing him to pay up for last month’s share of the electricity bill, and making any random Tuesday entertaining.

Greg: Your a funny guy Goob. I glanced at your site and some of these people are pretty stupid. Anyways, if you have any other suggestions that may actually be helpful let me know. Otherwise…keep up the good work. Thanks man!!

I love how I’m blamed for Google putting Facebook Talk at their number one spot for “Alistair Gowland.” Yeah, I totally had a hand in that one!

Name: fred
Email: helspil@yahoo.co.uk
Message: Ok,so you don’t work for Facebook, but getting your kicks out of coming up with a similar name and ridiculing people who use the website and are being abused must be hilarous-aren’t you clever!!!

Slagging someone off and putting personal information about them i.e their mobile phone number on a website then tagging it to come top in a search engine when they work for the English police force might not be so clever after all- will enjoy taking you to court !

Goob: You’re gonna take me to court? Like on a date? Sweet, when can we go?

Oh God, I don’t have anything to wear though. You gotta look fine for a date! Is this even a date? If he holds the door open for me and lets me walk through the metal detector first, then it’s totally a date. I wonder how far I should go. Oh man, what if he wants to go all the way?! I’m not even gay, what’ll I do?! Ok, set some boundaries, Goob. I’ll hold hands, that’s cool. Maybe even a little tongue action, but THAT’S IT! Oh crap, WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?!

….Oh, you’re still here? Sorry about that. I didn’t realize I was typing out my internal monologue. Geez, I’m not clever at all!

Error: This message was created automatically by mail delivery software. A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error.

Wow. Sending an anonymous e-mail filled with threats and insults and then using a fake e-mail so that criticism cannot be retorted. What courage!

Next on “fred’s” agenda is punching a puppy for looking at him followed by kicking a small child and throwing his ice cream cone to the ground. Why? Who cares, Mr. Big Man Fred does whatever he wants!

I just wanted to say thanks to Valleywag and Nicholas Carlson for featuring some of the Facebook Idiots posts I’ve made over the past few months. I’m all for self-deprecating humor, but it’s nice to make fun of complete strangers sometimes. It’s even nicer when others can laugh along with me!

Heck, you know what, I’ll throw this out there for the millionth time as well. I don’t work for Facebook. FacebookTALK.com and Facebook.com aren’t the same damn site. They don’t even look the same! Stop e-mailing me for Facebook tech support!

There. If I get any more e-mails after this post, I’ll officially have zero amount of compassion for publishing their e-mail and pointing out their stupidity.

The moron who sent me the message below has set a new record for stupidity. Not only did he contact the wrong person, threaten the wrong website, and whine about a problem that any competent adult could solve, but he didn’t type his e-mail in correctly.

So even if he had managed to get in contact with Facebook, they wouldn’t have been able to respond to him with a solution. Kudos, my friend.

Name: Alistair Gowland
Email: alistair.gowland@met.police.pnn.uk
Message: I need to talk to someone regarding copying of facebook personal details and sending false message by public electronic communication network to cause annoyance / inconvenience / anxiety.

This has occured to both myself and my ex wife causing us both unnecessary stress on our realtanship. We have a young baby and these messages are making reference to things only very few people know about.

This person is on facebook under two different names and attempts to have themn thrown off by yourself have proved unsucessful. I am aware the task is very difficult but i dont want to have to make an offical complaint that gets investigated if you are able to help me first.

please contact me on 07841196427

Goob: You know, for a police officer, you’re kind of stupid. No wonder they don’t allow you guys to carry guns over there.

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software. A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The mail server could not deliver mail to alistair.gowland@met.police.pnn.uk. The account or domain may not exist, they may be blacklisted, or missing the proper dns entries.

*clap, clap, clap* - Let this be a lesson to anybody thinking of traveling or moving to England. If you do, pray that you’re never a victim of any crime, because it’ll never be solved.

I absolutely LOVE people who act as if having a Facebook account is a right guaranteed to them in the Constitution. These are the type of people who can’t name all three branches of the government and only know Iraq as something they’d say at the local pool hall.

I’d fear a lawyer from a person like this about as much as I’d respect a doctor with a degree from Phoenix University. He’d be on my Scared List right between a sunflower and a giggling baby.

Name: andrew hochheimer
Email: tarzan_55@hotmail.com
Message: i demand to know why you disabled my account.as we speak i am getting my lawyer to file a claim against your company.to avoid this please let me in my facebook. you have no right

Goob: I hope your lawyer types better than you do, because my eyes started bleeding as I tried to read your pathetic excuse of an e-mail.

I love how Oliver starts his letter off with “Dear Sirs.” I feel that means he wanted more than me to read it and thus I’m sharing.

Name: oliver bernstein
Email: ollieb_99@hotmail.com
Message: Dear Sirs,

I am writing to request the removal of Mike Gorst’s video, “attack on bert, round 3″. i have contacted Mike Gorst with no luck and i feel that this video is bullying and has affected me since its publication on facebook. this video is not what facebook is about and is pure bullying.

I expect this to be carried out as as soon as possible, or this matter will have to be taken further. thanks

Goob: Go ahead and take it further. How much further can we go? 10 feet? A mile? To the MOON?!? I call dibs on the cheese.

Oliver: thanks for the help.

No problem, Oliver. I’ll see ya up there!